Like a planet forced by gravity to continue in endless orbit, so too do we find ourselves facing the inevitable prospect of having to read another Star Trek book.  I’ve decided to continue reading the Deep Space 9 series, so we will now return to the world of the brave Captain Sisko, his errant son and the assortment of aliens he is surrounded in.

Now, far be it from me to accuse these books of being formulaic, but in both of the ones I’ve read so far, the first chapter has contained a story of death on an unimaginable scale.  So, dear reader, we are going to hold a sweepstake.  Place your bets now on how many people will be annihilated in Chapter 1 and we’ll see who gets closest.  My bet is 4 million.

Right. Everyone got a gin to hand? Then let’s begin.

P12: I was wrong, we have made it through a whole chapter without anyone dying. I have monstrously maligned the whole series. All that has happened is that someone has been trying to learn a magic trick.  There was a prologue that mentioned a killer though, but he didn’t kill anyone, just turned himself into a suitcase – which is a good trick.

P14: It seems that the wormhole that we discovered in the last episode, which was the saving grace for the Bajoran economy, is now too unstable to use.  Lawks!

P19: A ship full of people just got eaten by the wormhole. They ALL died. I am vindicated.

P20: Actually it was a ship full of Borg, who are the baddest of baddies, and therefore we aren’t sad that they got eaten.

Chapter 3: tedious teenage angsting from a teenager, and then from Odo, an alien who was found floating in space and has never met anyone of the same species, but who is a shapeshifter.

P40: Some missionaries have come aboard. They were planning to fly through the wormhole but as they can’t they are waiting on DS9 (as we call it) until it is fixed. They also have a teenager who is probably going to be angsty when we get to know him better.

P48: Uh oh – the killer from the prologue, who seems to be the same type of alien as Odo, has just oozed onto DS9. He can take any form he wants, so I suspect mayhem will ensure.

P77: Sorry – I got carried away in the story and forgot I was blogging.  Anyway, while I was away three things have happened 1) a Ferengi has arrived who wants to buy DS9. There is some bad blood between him and Quark, who runs the casino. 2) it turns out that the teenage missionary is actually really ill 3) the killer has killed one of the missionaries and written “#1” in his blood on the wall.  Could it be that I’m enjoying this story? Maybe stories of vicious psychopaths on the rampage are engaging regardless of whether they are set on an intergalactic space station or in the sleepy village of Midsummer.

P78: I bet the next victim is Miles O’Brien’s miserable wife because she is whingy and expendable

P85: The missionaries parents have refused any help or medicine for the boy because it is God’s will that he dies.  Poor lad.

P105: Two bad things have happened.  Firstly, the killer is taking the form of a red-head, which is gingerist in the extreme, and secondly it seems that the next victim is going to be a little girl we’ve only just met.

P124: Well the little girl escaped, and another baddie was killed instead.  And they have worked out that it is the same species as Odo now.

P135: The baddie that was killed was a Cardashian. Now the cardashians are threatening to blow up the whole of DS9. (E has just leaned over and told me that it is spelt Cardassian. Apparently the station is not under attack from a family of American reality TV stars.)

139: Another one bites the dust

159: A teenage Ferengi decided to drop a load of gloop out of a vent to scare everybody.  Luckily he was caught and is being frogmarched by Odo back to his father who is currently at risk of being the next victim.

170: Ooh two metamorphs are fighting.

175: The killer escaped.

185: Oh no – the nurse was just got! Is there no minor character in this book that is safe?????

195: The Dad missionary has summoned a warship to avenge the death of the first victim. It has just arrived and is training its guns on DS9

199: The charismatic Dr Bashir has decided that to convince the Mum missionary to let him heal the boy he will use a virtual reality thing to make her watch her son’s eventual long and painful death.  The morality of this is highly dubious.

215: Now a Cardassian warship has arrived to avenge the death of their person! They have given Sisko 6 hours to solve the murders before they invade.  At least that means the story can’t go on much longer.

220: The psychological torture of the missionary Mum worked! She has brought the boy to be healed.

232: I did NOT see that coming.

239: The metamorphs are fighting again!

251: The lurking warships are firing on DS9 and each other because…does it matter?

258: The killer meets a fitting end.

The end.