You didn’t really think I would tell you that quickly, did you?
I have really enjoyed reading your competition entries, so I thought I would share them!
We’re starting with an honourable mention, rather than a proper entry as FictionFan didn’t want to win a copy of the book, but joined in the fun anyway:
Me to the NYPD: A guy’s just stolen The Goldfinch from the museum.
NYPD: Can you describe him?
Me: He’s perpetually drunk and obnoxious, and full of whining self-pity.
NYPD: Got him! Thanks!
Donna Tartt: But wait! I had another 700 pages still to write…
I haven’t read the Goldfinch, but I remember E reading it (on Kindle, which means I can’t read her copy, even if I wanted to) and saying that the premise was just ridiculous. The kid should have just spoken to the police. E laughed really hard when she read this entry. I wont be rushing to add The Goldfinch to the shelves. Those of you who haven’t discovered FictionFan’s blog yet should have a look – it is one of my favourites: fictionfanblog.wordpress.com.
Reader, I can’t lie to you, I was appalled by this entry. What sort of monster would want to kill the Very Hungry Caterpillar?!
I’d like to text the Hungry Caterpillar. I’d arrange a meeting. I’d lecture him about the value of proper nutrition and the need to instruct young people on the importance of healthy eating in early life… and then I’d tread on him, so I would freed from the thraldom of having to buy this book every time a friend has a new baby.
I would text Bridget Jones telling her to buy a copy of “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken” thus making savings on her phone bill to Daniel Cleaver, and avoiding a whole lot of tears in the bathtub. I would also advise her not to write any more diaries: 1 was great, 2 was wondrous, 3 was frankly too many.
This seems like entirely sound advice. Anything that will stem the tide of Bridget Jones’ Diaries can only be a good thing. That woman really just needed to stop being such a drip.
Louise and Sarah
Sarah says Jeannette from Oranges. I reckon the twins from Mallory Towers, if Enid Blyton counts, just to see how they are doing. Or Hercule Poirot, although he probably wouldn’t like mobile phones. Or Viola from Twelfth Night.
I have to confess that I have never read Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, or any Jeanette Winterson, but I have three on my list for this year and you have inspired me to read one of them this week. Texting Hercule Poirot would be fun. I reckon he would try to use emoticons but not really understand them. LOL.
I would text Mr Tickle. Mr Tickle was my very first literary hero. I would congratulate him on his magnificently long arms, allowing him to achieve the feat which struck my much younger (and, tbh, current) self as so worthy of admiration: being able to reach down into the kitchen and open the biscuit tin without getting out of bed. How marvellous!!
This really made me laugh. The question is, how would he be able to read the texts when his arms are so far away??
As to which literary character I would like to text, hmmn this is a tricky one. Not something I have so far ever pondered whilst reading a book, and there aren’t that many characters one would want to be friends/on a texting basis with (I am taking this too seriously aren’t I?). I’d certainly let well loved children’s fiction animals alone to enjoy their pages.
I also like the idea of using texts to cut short some overly lengthy detective / or Thomas Hardy plots. A-level English could have been a lot less painful with some short interventions to Clym in The Return of the Native “Don’t marry her you fool!”, “10 minute warning: your mother is on her way! toiling over the heath”, “Quick, go and rescue her from that highly improbable adder”, and “why not go and live in Paris and have fun!”. Not sure I could have put up with his angst-riddled replies though.
I agree Katrina that there probably aren’t that many characters that I would really want to text. I love your idea of texts you could send that would shorten, or end, a novel. Perhaps that should be the next competition!
I would text Freddie Wooster (of Jeeves and Wooster fame) and ask him if, now that times have changed, he’d finally like to come out of the closet. All those marriage near-misses never fooled me; his terror in the face of women, the time spent in ‘gentlemen’s clubs’, the relationship with Jeeves…
I love this idea. I wonder what he would say. Would he be brave enough? Or does he just love his madcap existence? Who knows what he gets up to when the covers of the book are closed at night.
And the winner is….
Well, dear Readers, it hasn’t been easy, and all the entries were special in their own ways. Thank you all for taking part and being brilliant! But, I have only one copy, so I have to choose one winner. So, because of the potential to end so much whining, and bring so much joy to the world, the winner is….. Johnathon!
Texts From Jane Eyre will be winging its way to you as soon as you send me your address.